ATTEW – Prologue

A blizzard-torn night always carries a vicious wind. Listening to the sound battering her bedroom window, the woman thought it resembled the noise made when a sharp-eyed bird of prey goes whoosh—cutting swiftly through the air.

The woman hated winter, and she feared it. She always had. Winter was crueler to those who had nothing, and she had always been someone lacking—money, affection, whatever it might be. She had so little to begin with, and when winter came, she often lost even that.

So winter had always frightened her. She believed it was merciless and heartless—the season that stole away what little she held dear.

But tonight……

“I want to be loved.”

“…….”

“I’m… I’m someone who’s starved for love.”

“…….”

“My mom told me not to love. She said love is all fucking bullshit…that I should never do it.”

“…….”

“It’s because of you.”

It felt like it would be different. So the woman gathered her courage and tried to pout a little. She blamed the man, saying he was the reason for her lewdness.

She couldn’t help it. As if the heart had a fixed capacity, hers was filled to the brim, sloshing and swaying. Every bit of it was directed at the man. The feelings were far too heavy to carry alone.

There was nothing to be done. The woman believed herself defenseless against softness and kindness. A soft, gentle man felt like a bespoke assassin sent just for her—someone dispatched under orders to clamp down on her heart and claim it.

So what choice did she have? She would gladly hand over her heart. Gladly let herself be captured.

She lifted her gaze from where it had rested at his feet and met the man’s eyes. At once, her captured heart began to pound wildly. It was an ecstasy so painful she couldn’t endure it without blaming someone else.

“It’s because of you.”

“…….”

“Because you’re kind, because you’re gentle, because you’re soft…… you make me hope my love will be different.”

Whiiing—once more, the cold wind shook the window. A shadow flickered across the woman’s fair cheeks. Outside, flakes began to whirl down; snow scattered in the dark.

“I want to be loved. So…”

With those words, the clamorous roar of the wind faded from her ears. The icy chill no longer touched her. Fearing winter’s cruelty enough to tremble in terror was too much when all her strength was spent stopping the sounds trying to spill out; her mouth stopped up. Her body shook beneath an overwhelming heat.

Now the only things that filled her ears were…

“Hah…”

The breathing of the man who wanted her, the sound of his heartbeat, his voice calling her name. Nothing else.

The only thing she could see was this one man pouring all his affection onto her with everything he had.

That truth filled her with joy, and she reached out both arms. She wrapped them around him, clinging with all her strength.

Without hesitation, they mingled their breaths and overlapped their lips. They added their own warmth to the other’s and burrowed into each other’s embrace, hiding one another from the world.

In that way, they forgot the cold. They forgot fear. There were only the two of them. And then the heaven she had always thought belonged to others, something she could only steal glances at, unfolded right before her eyes.

“…I’m sorry. I don’t think I can be gentle.”

“……”

“I don’t think I can be kind… or soft.”

As if grinding his teeth to squeeze out the last of his endurance, the man offered his apology in a voice steeped in pain. His eyes burned and wavered as he spoke.

After that, his words proved true—literally so. His promise that he would not be kind, gentle, or soft was sincere. He was rough, clumsy, and blunt. Even when he hesitated, unsure what to do, he threw his whole body at her, burrowing in without any finesse.

And the woman liked that. It felt like this was his first time, too. Like his heart was racing ahead of him, too big for him to handle, just as hers was.

It was early winter. There was no moon. A night when a snowstorm blanketed everything outside the window in white.

The things the woman tried to hold back—the sounds—and the things the man tried to restrain—his desire—things they ultimately could not contain, like feelings boiling up from deep inside, spilled over.

***

And here is the letter the woman could never give the man. The monologue she could never deliver to him.

***

My name is Lee Eunho. Not Lee Chanhee—Lee Eunho. Lee Eunho, daughter of Lee Hwajin.

That’s right. I’m brave. When you were lying there after being stabbed, you collapsed. When you were burning up with fever, unable to move. I saw it all. I saw what you’ve got there—what it looks like, how big it is. All of it.

I didn’t look on purpose. I had to wash you, so there was no helping it. But I did make up my mind and look. It sounds strange to say it like this… but I really steeled myself before taking off your pants.

You were strange to me, carrying something like that around. One of its uses would be putting it inside someone’s body, but I couldn’t imagine something like that fitting inside a person. I thought—whoever it was, you’d kill them.

Back then, I didn’t know how to embrace things. I thought of it as someone else’s problem. I never imagined that thing I saw back then could get even bigger. That’s why I acted so cocky and charged in. Like a puppy that doesn’t know to fear a tiger.

Honestly, before that, I thought the things we did all night were horrific. Just disgusting, dirty, vile acts. I believed it was something painful and troublesome for women, while men alone liked it to death—some dog-like behavior. Everything I’d seen and heard told me so.

On top of that, I had a promise with my mom. She said love was fucking bullshit. That anything with a dick was fucking bullshit, so I should never do some fucking bullshit thing like love. But after I got to know you, I started working my brain.

All I had to do was have love that wasn’t fucking bullshit.

Yeah. If Mom found out, she’d be disappointed. “So you’re no different after all,” she’d click her tongue.

But knowing all that, seeing all that, I still asked you to sleep with me. I seduced you without a shred of fear. So yeah—being called brave isn’t wrong. I wasn’t nicknamed “that stubborn, vicious girl” for nothing.

And there’s something you really need to know. You know why I was so brave?

It’s because I liked you that much. I liked you enough to think I should embrace even that big—really big—flaw of yours. Of course, now I know it’s not just a flaw, but still…… yours is kind of…… grotesque-looking, you know? It looks scary enough to make someone run away. You have to admit that. I mean, why is it just there like that? Everywhere else, you’re so smooth and handsome.

Anyway, just touching your hand made my feet feel like they were floating. Even when the grandmas on the bus teased us like crazy on the way back from grocery shopping, I didn’t want to let go. I was so scared you’d release my hand—you have no idea how my heart ached. Would you believe me if I said it was the happiest drive of my life?

Once we held hands, I wondered what it’d be like to be in your arms. What it’d be like to kiss you. I imagined it every chance I got. At night, even more. Under the covers, I’d rub my feet together like this and giggle—heeheehee. Just thinking about it made me ticklish.

And then when I was in your arms, it was so much better than I’d imagined. When we kissed, I nearly fainted. That’s why—not reckless, but even though I was scared—I asked you to love me. Because I wanted to be loved by you, even if it meant enduring that fear.

So…… you. I mean you—the one whose name I don’t even know yet. If you know how brave I was, please treasure me. Because last night, I gave you all my heart. Keep it with you for a long time. Cherish it, again and again.

Look at me the way you look at flowers, the way you look at the moon. If you do, I’ll sink into a sweet dream brought on by you and forget the world. I don’t need anything else. You’re enough.

Ah—and you know. The meaning of the misennamumisennamu¹’s flowers—the ones you looked at with such tenderness—I know now too. I really do.

So……

You won’t disappear suddenly, right?

You won’t leave without a word, will you?

You won’t go off like nothing ever happened, leaving just me here alone, will you?