TSOTI – Chapter 5.3

At Seungbin’s words, Doyoung felt a sharp, stabbing pain somewhere deep in his chest. Like swallowing a needle, the sensation was so vivid he unconsciously furrowed his brows.

“If I hold onto hyung…… that would be wrong, right?”

​Doyoung bit down on his lip. He, too, wanted nothing more than to remain here.

​As the time to leave Banwoldo drew near, Doyoung thought endlessly. Could he really leave Seungwoo and Seungbin behind on this island?

​But the more he thought, the clearer the answer became. Reality was not kind enough to let him stay wrapped in emotion. He had no means to keep paying for the guesthouse indefinitely, and even if the two generously let him stay for free, becoming a burden to men who had to make a living was something Doyoung could never do.

​Asking them to come to Seoul with him felt even more impossible. Could he support them? No. Selling a house on this remote island wouldn’t even cover a studio deposit in Seoul—forget living expenses; there wasn’t even a place to shelter them.

​Every time these thoughts circled, Doyoung felt sick with himself. He had been born with nothing and lived his whole life in hardship, but realizing he couldn’t even provide a warm place for the people he cherished made him feel like the most wretched person in the world.

​He had come all this way precisely because he hated this. Yet here he was—right back where he started. The sweet days on the island had been nothing but a dream, and upon waking, he found himself returned to the same spot.

​He hated this reality. Even born with a body different from others, he had wanted to live ordinarily. But that life had never been permitted to him. Loving someone, being loved—the way it happened here—would never happen again.

​Once he returned to Seoul, he would hide away just like before. Hiding in a moldy basement single room, trying not to be seen, barely breathing day by day. Yet even so, the best choice for everyone was parting. Sadly, when faced with reality, the answer had already been decided.

​“If you’re gone… I think I’ll feel really lonely,” Seungbin said quietly. “Like everything will feel empty and silent.”

​Doyoung’s eyes widened as he looked at him.

Seungbin—who had always been brighter and more cheerful than anyone—was saying that he would feel lonely because of him.

“Why are you looking at me like that? Does it sound like a lie? I’m not lying.”

​“Why…?”

​“I like you more than you think, hyung. I like you a lot. So once you leave… I think my chest is going to hurt.”

“Seungbin…”

“No, actually a lot. Really, a whole lot.”

“…….”

“I didn’t even realize it myself. But I think you’re my first love. I’ve never felt like this about anyone before.”

“Ah…”

A faint sound escaped Doyoung’s lips. At the same time, tears welled in his eyes. Seungbin’s pupils looked so sincere when he said Doyoung was his first love. The words that his chest would ache without him felt like they were tearing Doyoung’s heart apart. That was why the tears came.

​He liked Seungbin as much as Seungbin liked him. A feeling so precious he wanted to carry these memories forever.

​“I don’t even know what I should say to you,” Seungbin continued softly. “If I were being selfish, I’d grab you and beg you not to go. Maybe even cling to your pants and refuse to let you leave. But… that wouldn’t be love, would it?

“If you love someone, you’re supposed to let them go. I don’t want to make things harder for you. So I was planning to smile and send you off today without saying any of this. But… it’s not as easy as I thought. Maybe I’m still immature. Maybe I’m not grown up yet. That’s why I can’t send you off gracefully.”

A tear fell from Doyoung’s wide eyes.

Hearing those words made his chest ache so much that even breathing became difficult.

Why?

Why would someone like Seungbin love someone like him this much?

He hadn’t done anything for him. He wasn’t someone worthy of receiving such overwhelming love.

“Why are you crying? You’re making me feel guilty…… I really look pathetic, don’t I? I wanted to look cool in front of Hyung at least.”

​Doyoung sobbed, tears falling endlessly. Then he slowly shook his head.

​No, that’s not true. You were incredibly cool to me. As dazzling as the midsummer sun. So bright it almost blinded me. Looking at you made me afraid my own eyes would go blind. That’s the only reason I couldn’t express it properly. I’m really sorry. I’m sorry, Seungbin.

​Doyoung swallowed the words he couldn’t voice and sobbed. He felt sorry for him. For not doing better. For realizing his feelings too late. For being the kind of person who had to leave…… he felt unbearably sorry.

​“I’m sorry, hyung. I really wanted to make you happy while you were here. I’m sorry I couldn’t do better.”

​In that instant, Doyoung couldn’t hold back and burst into tears. The person who had always been so gentle, the warmest person of all—saying he was sorry for not doing better—Doyoung couldn’t endure it and cried his heart out.

​The one who should truly be sorry was him. He was the one who only received, the one who regretted not giving more. Why was Seungbin apologizing? Why was he so kind it made leaving hurt even more?

​“Hyung, don’t cry. If you keep crying…… I’ll feel even guiltier.”

​Seungbin wrapped the sobbing Doyoung tightly in his arms. Pressed against his broad chest, Doyoung cried so hard his shoulders shook violently. The meaning of “my chest hurts”—feeling real pain in the heart—he understood it clearly at that moment.

​Right now, that is Doyoung. Not just a feeling—he truly felt pain in his chest. If he could, if it were possible, he wanted to stay here forever. Despite all the agonizing thoughts, hearing Seungbin’s confession made his heart waver again.

​He wanted to live happily for the rest of his life with people who cherished him as much as this. To spend every day reliving the dreamlike time on this island and close his eyes on the same day as them.

​“Seungbin… Seungbin, I’m sorry… I’m sorry…”

​But he knew it couldn’t be. Nothing lasted forever. This burning heat would vanish along with this season.

​The cold wind blew again. Doyoung’s bare shoulders trembled faintly. His sobbing voice quietly filled the yard. The silent moon offered no words.

​“…….”

At this moment, Seungwoo lay beside Doyoung, watching them wordlessly. His expression was calm, revealing nothing—as always.

​He too hated sending Doyoung away more than death. For the first time he had felt emotion toward someone, and unable to hide it, he had confessed. Like Seungbin said, if Doyoung left, his chest would ache. Even now, it felt like his heart was tearing; once Doyoung boarded that ship, he wasn’t sure he could bear it.

​Yet he could endure because there were things here he had to protect. Just as Doyoung was precious to him, Seungbin was equally precious. Because he had once promised them. Promised to take care of Seungbin so he would never be hurt.

​“Seungbin.”

​After a long silence, Seungwoo spoke. His voice carried a heavier weight than ever before.

​“Yeah.”

​“You.”

​“…….”

​“Want to go to Seoul with Doyoung Hyung?”

In that instant, silence heavier than his voice descended. Amid that stillness, even Doyoung’s sobbing cut off abruptly.

​

Everything was quiet; even the chirping insects stopped. Only the salt-laden wind swept silently across the yard.

“What…… do you mean by that?”

“Exactly what I said. Go to Seoul. I’ll stay here alone and look after things.”

​“Hyung!”

​Seungbin shot up. Doyoung, who had been held in his arms, rose with him. Under the twinkling bulbs scattered across the yard, in the darkness rushing in, Seungbin’s sharp gaze fixed on Seungwoo.

​“What the hell…… do you mean? You’ll stay here, so I should go alone?”

​“If you move alone, you won’t draw attention. They’ll think we’re both still here together.”

​“Hyung!”

​“Take all the money we have now and go. That should be enough for you and hyung to live without worry for the rest of your lives. I want you to go and live with hyung. Don’t regret sending him away.”

​Seungwoo spoke calmly. His attitude seemed utterly detached, yet his heart was anything but.

​He had thought about this for a long time. He couldn’t keep Seungbin tied here forever, and if it was Doyoung—the person he truly loved—maybe sending them to Seoul together would be all right.

​Of course, he liked Doyoung too much to give him up. But if someone had to stay behind, it made sense for the older one—himself—to remain and bear responsibility, wishing happiness for the other two.

​Besides, the other person was Doyoung. The problem was how unbearably gentle he was, but Seungbin could cover that. Seungbin genuinely liked him more than anyone, and Doyoung liked Seungbin too. If he stepped aside, they would be the perfect pair.

​In the end, if he alone suffered, the two of them could be happy. He had learned from these two that when you truly love someone, sometimes you could gladly set your own happiness aside.

​“Hyung…… Are you serious…… saying that right now?”

​“It’s not a light decision. I thought about it for a long time. I like Hyung as much as you do. But you know it too. We can’t leave this island. Someone has to stay. So if even one of us can leave, it should be you. That’s the smart choice.”

​That was Seungwoo. Thrown cruelly into the world from childhood, he had learned far too early what it meant to move wisely. That was why he always chose reason over emotion, profit over reason. Not for himself—for the promise he had made long ago. The only way to protect precious people was this.

His past life had led to this decision. It was the way he had always lived. Painful, but for the two people he cherished, he could sacrifice as much as needed.​

“Ha…… Hyung…….”

​Seungbin looked utterly confused. The thought that this was absurd, combined with guilt toward Hyung and a refusal. Yet even amid that, he couldn’t ignore the desire to be with Doyoung. The sweet wish to stay by Doyoung’s side forever. Even feeling sorry toward Seungwoo, part of him wanted that. Because he couldn’t bear to be without Doyoung. Because his feelings for Doyoung were too great to part now.

​“You’re really…… serious?”

​“Yes. I am. I want you and Doyoung hyung to be happy.”

​Silence fell between them. Listening to their conversation, Doyoung’s tears finally stopped.

His heart was just as complicated as Seungbin’s. He wanted to take Seungbin’s hand and leave together, but he knew absolutely that he must not. The reason they couldn’t leave this place didn’t seem to be just the guesthouse. There seemed to be some deeper, unspoken circumstance binding their ankles, leaving him even more confused.

​Even aside from that, Doyoung didn’t want the two to separate because of him. Much less for Seungwoo to bear all this pain alone.

​He must not let his selfishness tear them apart. He must not leave wounds in the hearts of those who had loved him.

​“But… hyung…”

​Seungbin’s voice was heavy. In that low tone that had once thrilled him, he spoke with desperate sincerity.

​“You like Doyoung hyung too. It hurts your chest to see him leave. Just the two of us being happy is enough? You suffer alone, and that’s fine? There’s no such thing. I know better than anyone how much you like Doyoung hyung.”

​Doyoung’s face twisted. The tears that had just stopped seemed ready to spill again.

​“Honestly, I know Doyoung hyung likes you more than me. That I’m just in the way between you two. He was only nice to me because he’s kind. Actually, you two like each other…….”

​In that instant, Doyoung’s eyes widened. He had never dreamed Seungbin thought that way.

​“That’s not true!”

​Unable to listen any longer, Doyoung shouted. Both Seungbin—who had been speaking—and Seungwoo turned to him in surprise.

​With large eyes full of tears, he looked at Seungbin with resentment. His small, trembling lips seemed to plead injustice. Right now, Doyoung resented Seungbin—who didn’t understand his heart—more than Seungwoo, who was trying to send them away together.

​“You… what do you mean you’re getting between us?”

​“Hyung…….”

​“You really thought that all this time? That I was only nice to you because I’m kind? You really misunderstood me that badly?”

Seungbin’s face stiffened. Watching Doyoung’s cheeks flush red, breathing hard, he swallowed the words rising in his throat and tried desperately to steady his shaking emotions.

​“No… that’s wrong. Completely wrong.”

​In his confusion—or perhaps guilt that he had caused Seungbin to misunderstand—Doyoung barely managed to find the words.

​“I…… I…… really liked both of you. So much so that I couldn’t say one was more than the other.”

​Voice trembling, tears streamed endlessly from Doyoung’s eyes. More than the fact that he had to leave, the thought that Seungbin had suffered alone because of him hurt even more.

​Of course, it may have started with feelings toward Seungwoo, but the emotions he had nurtured over the month on this island toward Seungbin were no different. That was why Seungbin’s words hurt so much right now.

​“Even at this moment, my chest hurts so much. Thinking you misunderstood and suffered alone because of me—it makes me so upset and angry. Why did I only appear that way to you? Seungbin, you’re someone I cherish and love so much. Why couldn’t I do better?”

​Bloodshot eyes trembled endlessly. As much as his shaking voice, his desperate feelings poured into every word.

​“Yeah. As you said, I like Seungwoo. How could I not? He cherished someone as pathetic as me so much. But I like you just as much. Every time you smiled at me so gently, do you know how wildly my heart raced? I’m bad at expressing things. I didn’t even know when these feelings started. That’s why I couldn’t say it. I’m sorry. For never telling you anything all this time.”

​Suddenly, the moment he first arrived here flashed through Doyoung’s mind. Seungbin’s figure on the dazzling sunlit sand. The thrill of leaning against his broad back on the motorcycle. The cool sea breeze hit him then. The refreshing expanse of ocean before him. The faint scent of sweat carried on the wind. The warmth felt from the back he leaned against……

​Perhaps from the very beginning. From that first moment, Doyoung may have fallen for Seungbin. Not just because of his handsome face or incredible body that made jaws drop—but because he had already placed him in his heart from the start.

​And yet…… someone so precious to him. Why had he only hurt him? Why had he let him misunderstand without ever properly conveying his feelings?

​“But Seungbin, that’s how it was. Because I’m incomplete. Because I’m not worthy of receiving such overwhelming love from you two. That’s why I couldn’t say anything. Anyway, I’m someone who has to leave. To you, I’m just someone who shared good memories for a while—so I thought quietly leaving was right.”

​“Hyung…….”

​“If I had been even a little better, if I had been good enough to deserve your overwhelming love, then I would have said it. Shamelessly, I love both of you. That I want to be with you two forever…….”

​Finishing, Doyoung slowly lowered his head. Never had he hated himself more than now. Why had he been born like this of all ways? Why, born with a body different from others, did he have to live such a bleak life?

​If only he had been ordinary like everyone else. Able to tell the person he loved that he loved them, able to stand proudly in front of others. If he had been that kind of person, it would have been so good. But born incomplete, he lacked the confidence to share a happy future with them while receiving their love. He feared his misfortune would transfer to them.

​He wanted Seungwoo and Seungbin to be happy. To forget someone like him…… and live happily with someone better—that was what he wished deep in his heart.

​The cold wind passed again. He seemed to hear waves from far away. Amid the swirling emotions, Doyoung helplessly shed tears. His scratched and wounded heart ached sharply. Tears trailing down his cheeks soaked his chest. The wind exposed the tear-streaked paths on his cheeks, cooling them coldly.

“Hyung.”

​Suddenly, Seungbin reached toward Doyoung. Gently stroking his wet cheek, he transmitted warmth. The touch was so tender it made Doyoung feel like crying more. His sobbing shoulders trembled endlessly.

​“Look at me.”

​Without realizing it, Doyoung lifted his gaze. Under the moonlight illuminating Banwoldo’s night sky, Seungbin’s eyes shimmered faintly.