TSOTI – Chapter 5.4
by Peach Moose“Why would you say that, hyung? Why think you’re unworthy of being loved?”
Doyoung blinked his tear-filled eyes. His long lashes clung together, wet with tears, making everything in front of him blur.
“Well… it’s because I have a body that’s different from everyone else’s. Someone with a body like mine… who would ever like someone like that…?”
It was a secret Doyoung had carried his entire life like a burden. A flaw he had kept tightly locked in his chest, afraid that if he ever revealed it to anyone, they might run away.
“That’s ridiculous. Do you know how pretty you are, hyung?”
Doyoung’s pupils dilated sharply. His pounding heartbeat seemed to echo all the way to his eardrums.
“Didn’t I tell you so many times? Hyung is really…… beautiful.”
A gentle smile spread across Seungbin’s face. The way he looked at Doyoung was warm and tender, like someone gazing at the person they loved.
“Seungbin…”
“I can’t lie. I may seem like I’m always laughing and joking around, but I’ve never told a single lie.”
Under that warm gaze directed at him, beneath the large hand softly brushing his tear-streaked cheek, Doyoung’s heart pounded wildly.
The word beautiful—which he had heard from Seungbin countless times before—finally seemed to sink into his chest.
It felt completely different from before.
It was as if all the pain he had carried throughout his life was being washed away.
“I told you before—you’re the first person I’ve ever felt this way about. Hyung, you’re too good for me. So beautiful, I wonder if I even deserve you. When you said you liked me, I couldn’t believe it. It didn’t feel real that someone like you could like someone like me.”
Doyoung’s lips trembled. Tears kept pouring; he couldn’t even open his eyes properly.
“That alone is enough. I got to receive love that’s too good for me. I was happy just being loved by hyung.”
Doyoung broke down again. Unable to contain the overwhelming rush of emotion, he collapsed into Seungbin’s arms. His chest felt like it was tearing apart. Hearing someone say they loved him so beautifully made it impossible to find the strength to leave this place.
“So hyung. Don’t ever say things like that again. It hurts me when you do. To me, you’re more wonderful than anyone. You’re a good person. No—you’re the only person I love.”
“Seungbin… hic… sob…”
“You deserve to be loved by us. There’s no one in the world more beautiful than you. So never put yourself down again. Okay?”
Seungbin slowly stroked the head of Doyoung, cradled in his arms. Held in that embrace, Doyoung felt endlessly comforted. Like an older lover who was dependable just by existing—in that moment, Seungbin became his sanctuary. Even without words, even without warm touches, his mere presence made Doyoung feel loved.
Once again, Doyoung realized. He would never meet anyone like this again in his life.
“Thank you, Seungbin. Really… thank you.”
“I’m thankful too, hyung. For letting someone like me be loved by someone like you.”
“Thank you…… Thank you…… Thank you…….”
“Are you just going to keep saying thank you? I’ll get upset again if you do.”
Doyoung lifted his face. Overflowing emotions laid bare, he looked at Seungbin. Seungbin received his gaze with quiet eyes. Their feelings passed silently between them as their gazes met.
“I like you. I like you, Seungbin.”
Doyoung approached first. Closing his eyes, he slowly kissed Seungbin. Seungbin closed his eyes too. Carefully parting their joined lips, he slipped his tongue inside Doyoung’s mouth.
“Ha…….”
Watching them, Seungwoo let out a small, empty breath. But only for a moment—as if resigned, he gave a wry smile and approached. Then he wrapped his arms around the two who were kissing. Just like the three of them had kissed on the beach that morning, he embraced them with all his strength.
Before long, the moonlight that had been spreading through the darkness began to fade into the pale dawn. The world was quietly preparing to greet another pale morning. Soon the sun would rise over the waters in front of Banwoldo. A new season’s sun, soothing the heated earth and calling forth winds that carried the chill.
***
“Have you finished preparing everything?”
The sun was high in the sky. Seeing Doyoung emerge from the guest room, Seungbin asked. The backpack Doyoung had carried when he first arrived was now slung over his shoulder. That was all his luggage had ever been. He had come with only this, so naturally, he would leave with only this.
“Yeah. All done.”
“Nothing forgotten?”
“Probably not?”
“Even if you left something, I won’t send it. That way you’ll have to come back later.”
At Seungbin’s joke, Doyoung smiled softly. Even as he said that, Doyoung knew Seungbin would carefully pack and send anything he left behind.
“When does the boat arrive again?”
“About 15 minutes left.”
“Then shall we head out now?”
“Yeah. That’d be good.”
Doyoung lightly shrugged the shoulder bearing the backpack and began walking. Following Seungbin out of the yard, he saw Seungwoo leaning against the wall, waiting for them. As Doyoung approached, Seungwoo placed a large hand on his head. Stroking it the way he always did with someone younger, he spoke.
“You barely slept last night. You okay?”
“I can sleep on the bus. It takes a while to get to Seoul anyway.”
“Don’t miss your stop while sleeping. And don’t follow anyone who offers you something tasty.”
“What? It’s the final stop in Seoul anyway, so it doesn’t matter? And am I a child? You think I’d follow someone just because they tempted me?”
“You are a child. Short. Small body. Tiny thing that starts whining at the slightest thing.”
“Hey, seriously. I’m older than you, you know? Younger than me and still acting like this.”
Seeing Doyoung pout and complain, Seungwoo burst out laughing. Seungbin, watching from the side, laughed too. Come to think of it, Doyoung often bickered with Seungwoo like this. He always pushed back, even when he couldn’t win. His angry face was so cute that Seungwoo teased him more, and Doyoung never realized. Even on his last day, he was doing something this adorable.
“We’ll be late at this rate. Stop teasing him and let’s go.”
Seungwoo and Seungbin mounted their motorcycles first. Doyoung climbed onto the back of Seungbin’s, just as he had when he arrived. Vroom. Seungbin twisted the throttle; the engine roared to life. Soon, both sleek motorcycles kicked up dust as they sped down the quiet coastal road.
“Ah… this feels nice.”
The sea breeze rushing head-on made riding incredibly refreshing. It had been the same even in midsummer, so now that the weather had cooled a little, it felt even better.
Doyoung leaned against Seungbin’s back, feeling the wind. Arms wrapped around his waist, face buried in the broad back, he quietly fell into thought.
Early that morning, Doyoung had finally made a decision. Hearing the confessions of the two who cherished him so much, he once again realized how precious they were to him. So he decided. He really had to leave this island.
It wasn’t because he felt unworthy or feared transferring his misfortune to them—that wasn’t why he chose to part. He simply wanted a little time. Right now, his situation was difficult, so once some time passed and he gained even a little stability, then he would return to them.
Moreover, to be happy with them, he realized he couldn’t keep avoiding reality. He needed to face the things he had run from and become stronger inside.
In the meantime, someone else might appear in their lives. Both men were so remarkable that Doyoung had fallen for them at first sight—naturally, others would approach. Still, Doyoung thought he couldn’t help it. If someone else entered their lives, that too would be the result of his own choice.
Yet Doyoung had no intention of giving up. He would work hard to win their love again. He knew how selfish that sounded. Perhaps it was a cowardly choice to hide behind reality.
But for Doyoung, this was the best he could do. He couldn’t abandon reality, yet he also couldn’t bear to lose the last love that had come to him. So for now, though it hurt, he would step back. Promising a future reunion. Waiting for the day he could be happy with them both.
“Hyung! You’re not falling asleep back there, right?”
Seungbin shouted over the loud engine.
“No. I’m not sleeping.”
“You were so quiet, I got worried. Don’t fall asleep on the motorcycle. You know that, right?”
“I know at least that much.”
Somehow, Doyoung felt as though he could see Seungbin’s smiling face even without looking. When he had said he would leave, Seungbin stroked his head and said okay—even then, he had smiled like that.
Seungbin never said he would miss him. Never repeated that he would feel lonely, empty, heartbroken without him. He simply held Doyoung warmly.
Seungwoo was the same. Respecting Doyoung’s decision, he nodded with a smile. Their consideration gave Doyoung a little more strength. Leaving them behind was still terrifying, but somehow it felt like receiving their encouragement—he thought he could endure.
Doyoung quietly leaned against Seungbin’s back and took in the passing scenery with both eyes. Since he was leaving without a promise of return, he etched it deeply into his mind to remember forever. The hot sunlight and cool sea breeze. The scent of the wind. The blinding white sand. The refreshing ocean-like soda poured over it.
Everything he saw and felt in Banwoldo felt new again. The happy moments he had experienced here rose fresh amid the island’s beautiful landscape. He had been happy. He had dreamed a happy dream. Memories so perfect they ached his chest—more complete than anything he could imagine.
“We’re here.”
Seungbin stopped the motorcycle at the beach and killed the engine. Seungwoo’s bike pulled up beside them.
The three dismounted and stood on the shore. They gazed for a moment at the blue sea sparkling under the high sun. The ocean was vast enough to embrace all three of their hearts. Gentle waves softly stroked the hearts of the three facing parting.
“Playing in the water here was really fun.”
“Yeah. It’s really fun.”
Doyoung felt as though the images of the two splashing and playing flashed before his eyes. The memory of plunging into that cold seawater yet feeling his whole body heat up from joy was vivid.
“Hyung. You know you make cute noises every time I splash you? When you shake water off your face, you look like a duck. A little duckling soaked in rain.”
“Yeah. Thanks to that, I got a stomachache.”
“Hey, seawater isn’t that bad for you. Especially around Banwoldo—the water’s really clean.”
“Yeah. It did seem that way. It still tasted really salty, though.”
At Doyoung’s words, all three burst into laughter at once. They had reached the point where they could joke like this. To Doyoung, the two had become incredibly comfortable—like lovers, or old friends. Never before, and likely never again, would such people exist in his life.
“The boat’s coming in.”
Seungwoo murmured, spotting a small fishing boat slowly appearing in the distance. As he said, the boat steadily approached the shore.
Watching it draw nearer, Doyoung felt his heart strangely settle. He had thought he would be fine. That he could at least leave with a smile today.
But when the moment of parting became real, the sadness was inevitable.
“Let’s go.”
Seungbin spoke in a slightly heavier voice. Doyoung nodded faintly and began walking.
Their steps felt heavy. Even the sea, brilliantly shining under the sun, could not comfort their hearts. Before long, the boat reached the shore and stopped; they too reached the edge of the beach.
Splash. Splash.
The crashing waves sounded busy. Their heavy hearts sank endlessly toward the deep sea.
“You’re the one who called, right?”
The fisherman who had docked asked.
“Yes, that’s right,” Doyoung answered.
“Climb quickly. Waves are strong; it’ll take a while to get out.”
At the fisherman’s urging, Doyoung bit his lip. The time to truly leave had come. Leaving behind those happy days, he really had to depart Banwoldo.
“I’m going.”
Doyoung turned back toward Seungwoo and Seungbin to say goodbye. Unable to easily respond to the farewell laced with regret, neither Seungwoo nor Seungbin spoke right away.
“All this time…… thank you so much. Take care. I’ll definitely come back someday.”
With those final words, Doyoung turned away. Just as he forced his heavy feet toward the boat, Seungbin grabbed his wrist.
“Hyung, wait a second.”
Doyoung turned back with bloodshot eyes. Like the first time they met on Banwoldo’s beach, Seungbin stood bathed in white sunlight, smiling.
“Take this.”
He held out a small box. Plain yet tied with a ribbon—a cute little package.
“What is it?”
“A gift. It feels weird calling it a farewell gift… but I prepared it because I want hyung to remember us.”
“When did you prepare something like this…….”
“Just. I prepared it little by little. It’s nothing special.”
“Thank you. I didn’t prepare anything…….”
“It’s okay. Just having Hyung come here was already the biggest gift to us.”
Ah…….
Doyoung felt an emotional surge again. He had tried so hard not to cry…… He had wanted to at least part with a smile today, so as not to burden them. Yet once more, his eyes grew damp.
“Hyung.”
Seungbin and Seungwoo approached Doyoung.
They embraced him once more. Warm body heat enveloped him. Held in their arms until the very last moment, Doyoung was able to spend one final happy instant.
“Now we really have to go. The captain’s waiting.”
Wiping his wet eyes, Doyoung slipped out of their embrace. Biting his lip hard to stop the sobs threatening to spill, he boarded the boat. Standing on deck, he turned back toward the two. The small fishing boat began moving forward with a noisy engine, cutting through the water.
“Hyung! Go safely! In Seoul, don’t skip meals—eat properly!
Even during his stay, Seungbin had always made sure he ate; even now, at the end, he reminded him to take care of meals. While Seungwoo stood on the beach waving, Seungbin ran into the water, waving his hands. As their figures grew distant, Doyoung’s wet vision blurred more and more. The pain in his chest deepened as they became too far to reach.
Doyoung waved toward them, sobbing yet smiling.
I was truly happy. The time spent with you two felt like a dream to me.
He swallowed the words he couldn’t fully say. The white fishing boat carrying Doyoung cut across the blue sea toward the distant horizon. Before long, Banwoldo’s beach faded distantly
from view. Carrying only memories of that hot summer day, he slowly departed the beautiful island.