ATTEW – Chapter 18

Monday came at last.

The hour before dawn, before any light could seep in, was frighteningly dark.

Within that darkness, Jae-eon pushed through the snow that obscured his vision—walking, then running, then walking again. Just when it seemed the snowfall might ease, it came down in heavy sheets once more. His body, which had been shivering in the cold all day, felt like a block of ice. He could no longer feel his legs or his feet, yet there was only one reason he kept moving.

“……”

He was going to his younger sister, who would be waiting for him.

He’d told her it would only be one night. That he would definitely come back for her, that she just had to wait. And yet another full day had passed. He’d done everything he could—but in the end, he’d still broken his promise.

Thirty-two hours had passed since he left Gyueon at the childcare center. During that time, Jae-eon had gone all over Mugyeong, where his mother’s relatives lived, desperately trying to find someone who could take care of Gyueon while he was in the army. In the end, it had all been for nothing.

He took the last train back up to Seoul yesterday evening. Just a few hours ago, he had spent over three hours kneeling in front of his biological father’s gate. While he shook from the cold, his phone battery drained faster than usual—but he couldn’t leave even to charge it.

In the end, there had been no other way.

He had to swallow the resentment, the hatred, the bitterness, and bow his head.

An employee came out to take out the trash, saw Jae-eon, and clicked his tongue in pity. As he passed by, he whispered that the master of the house was watching from inside, so maybe Jae-eon should just hold out a little longer.

Jae-eon begged. He said he didn’t matter—just please, at least take care of his little sister, who was still so young.

But his desperate plea was ignored.

Even as midnight approached, the gate never opened. The lights inside the house all went dark.

“You’ll freeze to death like this. Please, get up. Okay?”

The same employee slipped out again to tell him that his father had gone to bed.

That was it.

Jae-eon forced his stiff, frozen body to stand. All he could do now was hurry back to his sister before public transportation stopped running entirely. He dragged his uncooperative legs onto the last subway train.

On the way to Incheon, he dozed for about thirty minutes. That was the only rest he’d had since Friday night, when his mother passed away—until now, early Monday morning. And now he was back above ground, walking along roads where all traffic had stopped.

Exhaustion blurred his vision. Yesterday his feet had hurt unbearably, but now that they were numb from the cold, it almost felt better. His body was worn out. His heart was worn out. More than once, he’d had to fight the urge to simply collapse into the white snowfield and give in.

He kept moving on sheer will alone—because his sister was waiting for him.

Now…

“…What do I do?”

He didn’t know anymore.

For now, even if morning came, he planned not to report to the training camp. He would take his sister with him and stay by her side.

If he informed them that his mother had died on Friday night, surely they would delay his enlistment for a little while. During that time, he could look for another solution. If he called the Military Manpower Administration or the training camp in the morning and explained the situation, maybe they’d give him a few days. He could cling to that sliver of hope.

The problem was that even if his enlistment were delayed, as long as his biological father existed, it would only ever be temporary. Eventually, Jae-eon would have to enlist—and then, once again, his sister would be left alone, rejected by their father.

Even if he somehow appealed to the law and forced their father to take Gyueon in, Jae-eon couldn’t feel at ease, not after what that man had done to their mother—and to him.

“……”

His teeth ground together without his noticing.

There was a reason Gyueon had never once asked about her father as she grew up.

“Whose kid is she?”

“Honey…”

“Which bastard? Which bastard did you sleep with and get pregnant by?”

“What are you saying? How could you say something like that—!”

“That driver? Or the new gardener?”

“You’re insane. You’re really insane!”

Three days a week, his father loved his wife. The other four days, he doubted her.

That doubt turned into violence. Confinement became routine.

After forcing his wife to stay locked inside the house, after forcing himself on her until she became pregnant, his father sank into paranoid fantasies once again. He grew furious. He hated the child growing inside her womb.

That child was Gyueon.

Unable to endure the abuse any longer, their mother grabbed middle-school-aged Jae-eon’s hand and ran. That was barely a month before she gave birth to Gyueon.

That was the kind of man his father was.

Expecting him, now of all times, to suddenly accept his daughter and take good care of her—it had been foolish from the start. Jae-eon hadn’t truly understood that until his legs went numb after kneeling for three hours in the cold.

“Hoo…”

Brushing away the heavy snow that had once again piled onto his hair and shoulders, Jae-eon buried his nose into the scarf wrapped around his neck.

It smelled unfamiliar.

A gentle, clean scent. Warm, yet fresh.

It must have belonged to the scarf’s original owner—but for a man driven to the edge, with nowhere left to lean, that faint fragrance became his only comfort.

But…

“……”

As if even that comfort were a luxury, a cutting wind tore the scent away. The fragrance, now far fainter than before, made his nose sting.

He was only twenty-three.

After years of effort, he had graduated from university a semester early. He thought a clear, steady path lay ahead of him. He had already passed the CPA exam last year. Once he finished his military service, he was set to begin his practical training immediately.

People told him he had nothing to worry about, that he could finally afford to relax a little.

But Jae-eon never let himself be swayed by those words.

He loved his mother. He cherished his sister. He couldn’t afford not to live diligently.

He had planned that after finding employment, he might finally try dating—introduce a girlfriend with a pretty smile to his mother.

And yet…

The future he’d drawn for himself was unraveling.

What he’d believed would shine so brightly ahead of him now felt as though the power had been cut—everything plunged into darkness.

It was unfair. It was heartbreaking. It was unjust.

So many emotions churned inside him, yet no tears came. He was simply too exhausted. He’d been freezing for days, barely sleeping, barely eating.

“There’s nothing I can really do for you… You look like you haven’t eaten. At least eat this before you go, okay?”

Yesterday morning, at the convenience store run by one of his mother’s friends, he had eaten a single small cup of instant noodles. That was all. Even that hadn’t gone down well—his stomach rejected it, and he threw everything up.

His body was spent. His mind was spent.

Jae-eon stopped worrying about the future. He didn’t even have the strength for that. Resisting the urge to collapse and sleep wherever he stood, he simply walked.

All he could do was return to his sister, who would have fallen asleep waiting for him.

He would soothe her when she got angry for being late. Then he’d take her back to the funeral hall where their mother lay. If he could just eat a bowl of hot soup with rice, he might find the strength to keep going.

Let’s get through the funeral first. Then we’ll find a way.

Don’t give up yet. Don’t even think about following Mother and giving up on life.

You’re her older brother. You’re responsible for her.

No matter what, you’ll live on.

That’s what he told himself—but even so, the past few days played in his mind like an endless nightmare.

The whirlwind of misfortune that still felt unreal had begun on Friday night.

***

Friday night, his mother died.

That morning, she had grabbed him, insisting he eat even a single bite of steamed egg before leaving. By evening, she was covered in blood.

No—she hadn’t even made it back.

If only she had. If she had come back even like that.

If she’d said she was coming, he would’ve gone to meet her halfway, carried her home on his back.

The driver of the one-ton truck, loaded with deicing salt and dozing at the wheel, hadn’t even been scratched. Not a single bruise, they said. An insurance company employee came to tell him that.

Twenty-three-year-old Jae-eon stared up at his mother’s portrait, blinking. Only dry breaths came out. No tears.

He was still trapped in the shock of having just identified her body.

“Sun-uk’s mom says, whenever she sees my skin, I look like someone who’s never suffered a day in her life.”

“Does she?”

“Yeah. She said my skin’s so nice, I must be loved by my husband.”

“So what did you say?”

“I told her I wouldn’t take him even if she paid me.”

They’d laughed together over that just yesterday evening.

His mother had said she was happy with just her well-grown son and her still-young but already beautiful daughter. That sometimes, she’d wake up in the middle of the night just to touch their faces, wondering if these precious children were really hers. Even while working, she’d pull out her phone just to look at their photos.